Video 4

Module 18. Coaching Radical Relationships
Video Four: Coaching Moving On

Welcome to Video #4 in Module 18.
Having focused our attention on the actual breaking up process, in this video we look at how we might need to be coaching clients who have come through the divorce and are now facing the future.

If your client is one that you have guided through the break-up process, you will have already done a lot of the work that will be every bit as crucial to this phase as it was to the success of the break-up. Frankly, though, if they refused to do that work at that time, you might think twice about going any further with this client since they might continue to ignore your advice going forward, especially with regard how to act in any new relationship they create.

If, on the other hand your client has come to you subsequent to the break up, having not ever worked with you before, you will have to convince them that if they’re going to work with you, they will need to know that you will want them to be doing a lot of work such that they become free of any attachment to the relationship they just came out of, clear of any and all resentments they may hold towards the ex-partner, willing to let go of any grievances they have remaining, and so on, before they even think about dating or looking for a new relationship, assuming that this is still an attractive proposition for them.

Now I can imagine you might be saying to yourself, “What if they are not yet awakened and have still more karmic units left to do? Are we not trying to get in the way of their progress in the pre-awakened phase by steering them away from possible disaster?”

That’s an interesting question but the fact that they have come to us for help and as a human being who are we to say they shouldn’t get the best help we can offer them. In any case, it is not for us to imagine what is in their interests at the spiritual level, so we must never imagine that we have any right to manipulate people
in this way. Also, having just come through a divorce, which is often the kind of breakup that precedes the awakening, maybe their Higher Self has brought them to us to cause them to awaken fully.
Anyway, you will need to convince them that the more that they can bring an expanded consciousness to the situation going forward the better it will turn out for them. And, the sooner they will be able to find a new and perfect partner to share their life with if that is what they want.

With the people with whom you did the couples reconciliation work, establishing their boundaries and values, you will need to reinforce the work you did with them. But, with the new ones, you will have to start over with them, so that they know who they are, what their value system is, and what their boundaries are before becoming open to a new relationship.

In my book Expanding into Love Through Radical Forgiveness, I give the following advice in the form of four rules they should follow before jumping into a new relationship.

Rule #1. Leave a significant amount of time between leaving one relationship and even thinking about creating another.
This is because it takes a lot more time than you think to energetically disengage from the previous relationship, especially if it was deep and longstanding. Even more especially if the separation was painful.

If there are children involved, the problem is compounded. If you leap straight into another relationship before 6 months to a year has elapsed, the chances are very high that you will take into the new relationship all the unresolved issues you had in the old one, recreating the very same set of dynamics that might have
been the cause of the breakup in the last relationship.

I realize, of course, that in many cases meeting another person and falling in love with him or her may have precipitated the breakup. In that case, there might already be a new relationship in existence even before the old one is finished. Nevertheless, a wise couple will arrange things so that each has a chance to live alone for a good while before moving in with each other. I would suggest at least 6 months and better yet one year for the reasons I give in Rule 4 below.

Men seem to have the greatest need to replace as quickly as possible, and often will force an earlier commitment than wisdom would normally dictate. He will be even more urgent if he is looking for a mother for his children, assuming that he has any. So, it will probably be the woman who has to resist the urge to
move in together and to insist on having the amount of time she needs to be alone. If he is not willing to allow that, then that should be a red flag. He’s not worth having.

Even if it has been a number of years since your last relationship ended, and that you have been wanting to manifest a new one for a while now, you may still need to do the forgiveness work on your previous partner.

The fact that you may still have some energy left with your previous partner may be the very reason why you haven’t been able to attract a new one.

Rule #2. Do the forgiveness work on your previous partner before you begin manifesting a new one.

And, I don’t mean just doing one Radical Forgiveness worksheet. You keep doing them or do the more intense 21-Day Online Program for Forgiving Your Partner, until there is no energy left in the situation: no anger, no resentment, no jealousy, no pain, and no regrets.

This takes work, obviously, but if you want your new relationship to work, it is essential that you release all those energies. This is why you need to have a lot of time on your own to do this work and to know who you are before you create the new one. There are many people who have never lived on their own for any length of time and, therefore, have no idea who they are separate from another. How can you expand into Love if you don’t know who you are and feel less than whole without a partner?

Rule #3. Be clear about what you want and don’t want in a new relationship. Put a lot of thought into listing all the attributes that you want to have in a person. Think long and hard about
what you feel are the most important things that you will want in your relationship.

Rule #4. Scope your partner out over a period of at least 6 months before committing. Be a detective. At first, the person you attract into your life may seem absolutely perfect. The problem is that once you have reached a certain stage of intimacy (into-me-see), and you have become hooked, the person begins to reveal the real man or woman behind the mask. Suddenly the person becomes quite opposite to what you thought, and the relationship begins to look like a disaster. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the
story of someone finding their ‘soul-mate’ – the perfect partner who is loving and caring – and then after six months, they turn into a tyrant. There’s a reason why this happens, but that’s a whole other story. Just be warned that it is a very common scenario.
(We’ve covered that elsewhere.)

So, if you begin dating someone, stay alive to this possibility and do not commit to a full-fledged relationship until you’ve reached this stage in the relationship where you each have become comfortable enough with each other that you begin to be real. Watch out for any changes in his or her behavior at this point. They may be subtle at first, but there might be an outburst or two that will give you a hint of what may come later.

One of my clients who had experienced this ‘personality switch’ a couple of times felt determined not to have it again. So, she called the man’s ex-wife and asked her what he was like deep down. His ex-wife was only too happy to tell her everything – both good and bad. She learned a lot from her, and they actually became quite good friends as a result. My client eventually married the guy, and it turned out fine. This is a risky strategy, but it is one way of finding out whether there is a hidden side to this person or not. You really
don’t know anyone until you live with them, so it’s worth asking someone who has done so before you risk it yourself.

There’s clearly a lot to learn in the process of surviving a divorce. The lessons to be learned were contained in the dynamics of the marriage itself. Make sure you give plenty of thought to what happened and why it was not possible to reconcile, even though you are now awake and have moved into the second phase of
your life during which marriage takes on a different meaning.
Spend a lot of time alone. If possible, be single for a good while and don’t even bother dating. Get to know who you are separate from being attached to someone else, and discover what is important to you in life and what your values are. If you have been co-dependent up to now, always putting the needs of others before your own, start putting your needs first.

If you have been seeking approval from people, do the Radical Self-Acceptance worksheet and find love and approval for yourself. If you’ve always felt you had to be perfect, practice letting that go. You are already perfect, just the way you are.

So, that’s it for this module. In Module 19 we go over the Radical Reconciliation Worksheet and take a look at what is the most common cause of any break-up — the affair — and how we might coach someone through that experience. And, we’ll also be looking at how to understand your own and your partner’s sexual personality.

So, we’ll see you in that next module.