MASTER COACH TRAINING
Module 16. Death, Tragedy, and Other Illusions
Video Three: Radical Grieving
Welcome to Video #3 of Module 16 in which we are examining Death, Tragedy, and Other Illusions. In this third video, we look at how our Radical Grieving process is a step up from the normal approach to grief counseling, that being to coach people through the five stages of grief. These five stages vary somewhat
but basically, they follow the following format:
1. Shock and Denial
You’re most probably familiar with these stages of grief, and it probably won’t come as a surprise to you, either to learn that these five steps are very close to the 5-Stages of Radical Forgiveness. Telling the story, feeling the feelings, collapsing the story, reframing the story, and integrating the new story.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is the one everyone thinks of as having created this taxonomy of grief, but it transpires that she was misquoted. Her stages weren’t about grieving so much as about the stages that cancer patients tend to go through during the dying process. Nevertheless, it did form the basis for the idea that
when we lose someone to death, we do stagger along some kind of looping, winding pathway beginning with shock and denial and ending in final acceptance and release.
The first three stages of Radical Forgiveness correlate well to the commonly described stages of grief: shock (equal to telling the story); anger and depression (equal to feeling the feelings); and some of the bargaining (which is close to collapsing the story).
But where the correlation between the normal 5-stage approach to grieving and Radical Grieving comes to an end is how we complete the bargaining and come to the place of acceptance.
The 5-Stage approach to death references the old paradigm and assumes that #5, ‘acceptance,’ is about coming to terms with everything according to how things operate according to the normal way of thinking about death. It does not split the grief into its two components — the pain of losing the person and the story
about the death itself.
The fourth and fifth stages of the Radical Forgiveness process – reframing the story and integrating the new story are, on the other hand, grounded in the new paradigm. This assumes there are no accidents or mistakes and that everything that happens is exactly how it is meant to be happening. This includes the
manner and timing of our death.
I have to admit, however, when I saw the event known as 911 relived 10 years to the day after it happened, I found it hard to buy into that new paradigm. But I had to ask myself whether we are really entitled to say that it should not have happened if that was the wish of the thousands of souls who died at that time and in that manner?
Radical Grieving, then, is very much akin to Radical Forgiveness and can be just as much an affront to our normal way of thinking and strong beliefs. But as you know, the caveat we always add to it is that we don’t have to believe any of it. We only have to be willing to be open to the idea and to express that willingness in some form — either by using a Radical Grieving Worksheet, the 13-Steps to Radical Grieving process, or a version of the 3-Letter process.
If there is some blame attached as well, perhaps even a need for revenge, then it will be necessary to do a Radical Forgiveness Worksheet in addition to the Radical Grieving process. If there is some guilt to be released, then you may have to do a Radical Self-Forgiveness Worksheet, too. It is only in the use of these
tools that the grief (once it is fully felt and acknowledged) will be transformed and anchored back in our body as a new way of looking at death. That’s the fifth stage — Integration.
But first, let’s look at the basic assumptions underlying Radical Grieving that these tools will help us open up to.
Assumption #1 is that our souls are immortal. When we incarnate, we take on a body in order to be able to experience separation emotionally. Our physical body is a temporary vehicle much prone to wearing out after a few score years. It helps us to do what we need to do to live life on the physical plane. When the time comes to revert to being solely in the World of Spirit, we drop the vehicle and return home. This means, then, that death is an illusion. It just looks like death to us because all we can see is a body.
Millions of people have experienced a departed loved-one appearing in a less-than-physical form (but unmistakably real nevertheless), and have had conversations with them. It is not at all uncommon. Others have received messages from people who have died, either directly from within themselves or via a medium, which could not have come from anyone else. In fact, I doubt there are many people alive today who do not believe that death is just a transition between one realm of existence and another. The evidence for it is irrefutable.
Assumption #2 states that there is no such thing as an untimely death. The timing of our death is not a mistake. We choose the moment to go home, and it may have been decided before we incarnated. Who hasn’t heard the saying, “When your number’s up, that’s it?” The implication there is clear. But we also have free will, so we can change it if we want to if, for instance, some opportunity arises that looks as if it would serve our soul’s purpose to hang around a little bit longer.
If death is an illusion, who’s to say that in the grand scheme of things dying at, say, age 25 is any worse or better than dying at 85, especially if there’s a fair chance we come back again?
Assumption #3 states that the manner in which we die is also perfect. This is much more difficult for us to work with. People often say, “I am not afraid to die, but I am afraid that I might suffer a lot of pain in the process. It’s how I might die that is the issue for me.”
I think there is a lot more to it than that though. Often the pain they talk about comes about through a deep need to resist death. So, let’s look more closely at this fear and see if the new paradigm answers the question of why people hang onto life at all costs, when on the face of it, to go home would be lovely. Let me take you back again to the conversation between Jack, the soul undergoing his pre-incarnation training, and
Harley, the senior angel preparing him for it. Read how Harley explained the fear of death and why we have it.
“So, what keeps people in the program?” I had to ask. “If life is as unpleasant as it sounds, why do people make such a strong point of doing it for as long as they possibly can?”
“Simple,” replied Harley. The fear of ceasing to exist. There’s nothing more terrifying for human beings than the idea that they don’t exist. And that’s what death represents to them.
So, what Harley was saying here is that the fear of death keeps us in the game of separation and in the fear vibration; so in that sense, it is perfect. He also implies that we will transcend the fear only when we have died and gone home and realized we are part of the All-That-Is.
Here’s a good exercise you can use with your clients. I think you will find it helpful and you will find it in the Resources Section.
The Radical Grieving Exercise:
In setting it up, this is what I say in the beginning: “Just as I say that all the tools we use to shift into the new paradigm help us to ‘fake-it-till-we-make-it,’ this exercise will help you ‘fake’ letting go of all the old ideas about death. Then one day you might discover that you have in fact let it go along with the suffering attached to it. So, let’s get into it, shall we?
Bring to mind one of your losses and run through, in your mind, the circumstances of the death. Remind yourself of what this person who died meant to you, and then read out loud, slowly and with awareness, each of the following statements.
1. In the wake of his/her death, I am allowing myself to feel how deeply I burn with grief over the loss. What a hole the loss has left in me! How my heart aches over the loss. I am focusing all my attention on the grief and allowing it to flow through my body. I am allowing the tears to come forth without restriction.
2. I claim my right to have such feelings and am willing to drop all judgments about my emotional state,
knowing that no matter what I believe about death, it is essential that I feel my grief totally.
3. I am willing to see that a person’s dying is an integral part of their life’s journey, and the timing and circumstances of their death are all part of their divine plan and, at times, even a matter of choice. I am now willing to see that death is simply an illusion.
4. Knowing this now, I am willing to let go of all my judgments about this death and the circumstances in which it happened.
5. I am open to the idea that we all existed in spirit before we chose to take on a body as a way to purposely experience separation and that I will continue to exist, albeit in a state of oneness after my
body has ceased to be.
6. I am willing to be open to the idea that the death I am grieving was in a sense perfect and was meant to happen that way.
7. I am open to the idea that in my willingness to accept the person’s death as perfect, in the spiritual sense, I am making the person’s transition easier, more peaceful, and harmonious than it would otherwise be were I to continue seeing it as tragic or wrong.
8. Even though I know I am going to miss this person, I am nevertheless beginning to feel more peaceful and accepting of the death itself, knowing that it was this person’s choice to become free of the burden of having a physical body and to go home.
9. I am now finding myself letting go of the need to see the death as anything less than perfect and beginning now to feel a sense of peace both for myself and for the other person.
10.Death is neither a failure nor an unnatural occurrence. Coming to an acceptance of death as part of life itself brings a deeper meaning to our sense of loss and ultimately is the balm that heals our grief. As I now release this person from any further need to be energetically attached to me, I am beginning to feel a little more peaceful now. And, so it is.
NOTE: These statements are drawn from the audio process, 13-Steps to Radical Grieving, which is to be found in the Resources Section, as well.
We also have the Online Radical Grieving Program to offer any client that you have who is struggling with grief.
For more on this topic, we recommend you read chapter 26 in the Expanding into Love Through Radical Forgiveness book and the early parts of the Radical Incarnation Book.
In the next video, we deal with the issue of Abortion. That, too, is taken from Chapter 26 of Expanding into Love.
See you there.