My Boundaries Worksheet

This is the most crucial part of the whole program. I recommend you spend a lot of time thinking about every one of these items about which you need to establish a clear position for yourself. Only then will you discuss them on equal terms with your partner. More important, yet, you need to have the resolve to hold the line on them. A boundary is not a boundary if you allow it to creep.

Remember, in the past when the purpose of relationship was to offer opportunities to experience the pain of separation, boundaries were meant to be broken. Broken boundaries created lots of dramas. But the purpose of relationship has now shifted away from creating dramas for the purpose of creating separation towards expanding in love. Where relationships before were about domination, control, expectations, demands and inequality, now they are about freedom, respect, equality, giving and receiving.

But we cannot respect and support each other if we don’t know each other’s values and where each stands on all the issues that are likely to arise in the relationship, whether it be a new relationship, or one that you are in the process of re-negotiating and co-creating.

Those of you who are not in relationship now but are thinking about creating one may be in a better position than someone who has been in relationship for many years, since once you have created your boundaries you can begin with a clean slate, knowing what you want and, just as importantly, what you don’t want before you even begin dating. The people already in relationship may have some difficulty re-negotiating to achieve a new way of relating. No more co-dependence, please.

So, again, go through each of the items below, and any others that occur to you and get very clear where you stand on each issue. Do it without conferring with your partner; otherwise it will become an argument. Clarity must come first. The discussion and negotiation comes later. (You will be filling in a Radical Reconciliation Worksheet later in the program to help you begin the negotiation process.)

A good reference for this section is discussed on page 82 of the paperback and page 88 of the eBook Expanding into Love.