Read each of the statements and then on a scale of 1 (false) and 100 (true), indicate in the box the extent to which it is true for you . The statement below should be the opposite percentile with both adding up to 100. So, if you give yourself 75 on one part of the question, you would score 25 on the other, to make up 100, and similarly for all questions e.g. 60 for one, 40 for the other, etc.
The descriptions are sometimes extreme, so you don’t have to identify with the whole description, just the general thrust.
On the last page, you will have the opportunity to calculate the total scores to determine your sexual personality. Having a calculator at hand will be helpful.
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A. People with a Physical Sexual Self
(Defending their emotions.)
1A They are classic extroverts who project their sexuality outwards almost to the point of flaunting it.
B. People with an Emotional Sexual Self
(Defending their body.)
1B They are the classic introverts and they tend to fold down and withdraw into themselves to protect their feelings of physical vulnerability.
2A They are very comfortable with their bodies and have a high sex drive. They are ready for sex at a moment’s notice and the men can last for hours.
2B They are not in the least bit comfortable in their bodies and have a closed, protective bodily stance that says, “Don’t come close, and don’t touch me.” Their arms will be in front of them as protection and their feet turned inwards.
3A They wear clothes and jewelry that emphasize and bring attention to their physical body and their sexual attractiveness. Image and appearance are very important to them. No matter what they buy, the main consideration is how it makes them look. They go for elegance, style, color, glitz, etc. They would never buy a car on fuel efficiency over style.
3B They dress conservatively to divert attention away from their body and to hide their sexuality. Women will wear high-neck dresses or loose clothing to hide their figures. They will wear minimal makeup, if they wear any at all, and will wear sensible shoes. Men will dress conservatively. They buy cars not on style and image but on which is the most efficient and best engineered.
4A When in conversation with you, they will stand close, lock eyes and scan your face for the least sign of a possible rejection.
4B They do not much like to be touched. Even a light touch quickly turns to irritation. The kind of touch a physical considers affectionate seems like physical assault to him or her.
5A They crave acceptance and attention because of their fear of rejection, which means everything they do is designed to get approval. They are extremely sensitive to criticism.
5B They feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public.
6A If rejected, rather than withdraw, they will push forward even more, trying to win you over with charm and persuasion. They become very insistent and pushy. They will not take no for an answer, especially from an emotional sexual person of the opposite sex, to whom they are irresistibly attracted. They can be assertive and controlling, almost to the point of being obnoxious if they sense rejection.
6B They are turned on sexually much more by visual and mental stimuli than by touch. They are not automatically ready for sex like the physical is and need a lot of warming up. Emotional men are not the sexual athletes physical sexual men are. Once they have ejaculated, it is all over, whereas physicals can go on for hours.
7A They are the life and soul of any party, very popular, and always seem comfortable in social situations. They are never at a loss for something to talk about and small talk comes easy to them.
7B They are not particularly social and have great difficulty making small talk. At parties, they are usually the wallflowers. They leave early.
8A They are less concerned about their bodies being hurt than they are about having their feelings crushed. They love to be public with their affection.
8B They feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public.
9A They are always ready for sex. Sex is important to them because it gives them validation. To them, sex is acceptance. Refusal is rejection. They are hopelessly idealistic about love and relationships and very romantically inclined. Once in a relationship they tend to be loyal and monogamous. At the same time, they are very jealous and possessive. They enjoy children and are very strong on family. They put family and/or relationships before career or any other aspect of life. It’s their #1 priority.
9B For them, sex is not a high priority, neither is family, children or relationships. Their priority is work and career, followed by their hobby. Relationships come a distant third. They are not very fond of children and they may choose never to marry. They often have extramarital affairs and think little of it because they do not equate love with sex as does the physical. They like the mental excitement of an affair.
10A All their emotions are experienced physically rather than mentally, and when their feelings are hurt, they feel it as intense pain in their bodies. The pain can be so bad that they can literally be incapacitated by it for a long time.
10B They lead with their minds in everything, from work, games and even sex. They are analytical, careful and methodical and therefore seldom spontaneous.
11A When a relationship ends, they are devastated and have a very difficult time letting go of it. They take it very personally and feel utterly rejected. They also have a very hard time replacing. It may be many months before they will have another serious relationship, though they will have plenty of sex in the meanwhile. They need it just to feel OK.
11B When a relationship ends, they get over it in a matter of days and replace easily. They do not take it as a personal rejection of themselves.
12A They are natural risk-takers in all aspects of their lives, so they are often entrepreneurs and/or indulge in very physical sports, especially team sports.
12B If they go into business for themselves, they tend to be accountants, computer programmers, engineers, researchers, and technicians. They like precise, solitary work and are detail oriented. They can be very successful in business. They don’t like team sports but they excel at individual sports that require rigorous training and are self-challenging.
13A They communicate by indirect implication and inferences, relying on the listener to make the correct interpretation. On the other hand, they hear only what is said literally and don’t pick up on inferences. You have to tell them explicitly and frequently that you love them. They will not infer that you do just because you are there.
13B They pick up on inferences and subtle implications, but they speak very directly and precisely. They don’t waste words and are not physically expressive.
Now add up all the scores above and divide by 13 to see the extent to which you conform to the physical sexual personality.
Now add up all the scores above and divide by 13 to see the extent to which you conform to the emotional sexual personality.
Your %age Physical Sexuality
Your %age Emotional Sexuality
THE PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL DYNAMIC:
So now you have some idea of approximately where you might be on the scale, bearing in mind, of course, that you will have identified with some things more than others. And, it is only approximate, anyway. See if you recognize the following dynamics that typically occur when there are two people at the extreme ends of the opposite personality type who come into relationship.
As you might imagine, initially the two opposites attract. A high physical will attract a high emotional and vice versa.
At a party, a high physical male will make a beeline for the retiring little emotional who is in the corner clutching her drink and looking shy and embarrassed. He desperately wants to rescue her and ‘bring her out. She is initially turned off by him because he’s so pushy, but eventually succumbs to his irresistible charm and his ‘take charge’ attitude.
Communication seems to flow easily between them as well. That’s because the physical speaks inferentially to the emotional who easily picks up on subtle implications of what is being said.
Conversely, the emotional speaks directly to the physical who likes direct communication; not inferences. The emotional says little but is a good listener, whereas the physical loves to dominate the conversation and is more than happy to have someone who will just listen. It seems like a match made in heaven.
Not only does the communication seem great, but during the honeymoon period, which lasts about six months, the emotional tends to act just like a physical in bed. So, they have plenty of sex. Everything seems wonderful and the physical is convinced he or she has found a soul mate.
However, at around six months, each one begins to revert to their natural type. As the chemistry that enabled them to let down their defenses for a while begins to fade, so their defenses re-emerge and their primary behavior comes to the fore again.
Consequently, emotionals begin withdrawing emotionally and wanting less sex. Their fear of intimacy and their tendency to avoid it returns. They begin focusing on things that interest them besides the relationship, such as their work or their hobby.
This drives the physical crazy because he or she interprets the emotional’s behavior as implicit rejection and an indication of their partner falling out of love. That makes him or her even more demanding of love, sex and physical affection, which in turn makes the emotional withdraw even more.
Once both fear responses have kicked in, the situation goes from bad to worse and the relationship is virtually irretrievable. If they stay together it will be the emotional who will control the relationship. That’s because the physical will sell a large chunk of himself or herself in order to get whatever sex or physical affection the emotional is willing to give.
That’s why a lot of strong-looking physical males are controlled by weaker looking wives. A woman who knows how to manipulate that fear of rejection owns him.
Now, you might imagine that the ideal arrangement would be two of the same together. This is not so. Two physicals together would be in competition with each other and would act like a couple of divas. They would talk at each other in inferences with neither one of them picking up on them. They would be talking over each other and always seeing rejection in every utterance. It would be an intensely sexual liaison but their jealousy and possessiveness would create terrible problems. They would always being fighting. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were good examples of this, and look what happened to them.
Two emotionals together, on the other hand, would soon get very bored with each other. Sex would be virtually nonexistent and their communications minimal. Their best chance at survival would be if they were both to work together. Otherwise, they would be out looking for an affair just to relieve the boredom.
Concluding this discussion on the sexual personality, a word of caution, if I may. Remember, these are the extremes. Most of us are either predominantly physical or emotional, but have enough of the other to balance it out to a greater or lesser degree. And perhaps, more importantly, to be able to understand your partner and realize that his or her behavior is normal for them.
However, if you pay close attention to the behavior of your partner in this area and recognize that the kind of behavior that might have driven you crazy and pushed all of your buttons before you knew of this dichotomy, is absolutely normal for him or her, you will become far more tolerant and understanding of your partner. And, you won’t take it personally like you did before. It will improve your relationship immeasurably. Believe me.
This is also essential in terms of coming to understanding yourself and what is normal for you. You may well have been judging yourself for not being more like your partner in terms of sexual appetite, family priorities and so on. If so, it will come to a great relief to you to know that you are normal. Coming to know yourself better will help you create your boundaries and establish your values; this being the subject of the next module.
Knowing what is normal behavior for each of you, will enable you to discuss values and boundaries in a rational and knowledgeable manner and be able to negotiate or re-negotiate the parameters of your relationships going forward without getting upset with each other.